Loving without Limits

Conflict Resolution

When conflict happens, many couples begin to feel that they have “fallen out of love” and actually make their thoughts become reality. When people live together full time, you have to understand that there is an adjustment period.

We are all aware that there are many factors that contribute to the “living together” environment that can make that experience pleasing or an absolute nightmare. Awareness is the first key to understanding others living in your household and is the only way to change or modify patterns of behavior to better understand the dynamics of each individual’s unique personality.

One positive aspect of conflict is that, when done properly, conflict can actually be very healing and can push you in a forward direction instead of pulling the two of you apart. It is unrealistic to believe that two individuals will never have a disagreement. Instead, you should recognize the importance of the uniqueness of the other person and embrace the differences that the two of you bring to the relationship.

The first step to understanding conflict and how to resolve it is to consider your personal views on relationships and how you feel about being vulnerable with another human. If you are unwilling to be vulnerable with another or if you are unwilling to look within to see what makes you who you are and to see why you have those perspectives, it is extremely difficult to make that change. Only when you are willing to look within and to address the past hurts and pains (or look to the events that make you who you are) will you be able to move in a forward direction. The reason for this “knowing” is that “before you can know where you are going, you have to know where you have been”.

When you are not consciously aware of your insecurities, it is difficult to resolve conflict with another human. Your own inner awareness is essential to understand your motives and responses or reactions. Until you understand and accept the foundations of those insecurities, it is difficult to work through conflict with anyone. You must be at peace within your own soul before you can be at peace with others. An excellent illustration of this understanding is noted when you meet an individual who is always angry. They do not seem to have any real peaceful relationships with any other humans. The reason is because they are hurt and angry internally and have not looked within to realize the pain and trauma that they have perceived to be real and subsequently projected into their personal relationships with others. The reality is that there is no fault. Once you can see the root of the cause, then you can begin to move forward. You can choose to remain stuck or you can recognize that humans sometimes make mistakes and that in order for you to experience a peaceful, joyous, and blissful life, you must decide to accept your past experiences, embrace them in love, and then let them go!

Once you have decided to look within and to accept the past experiences that create the identity of “you”, you can then begin to move forward. This process is not one that is easy (otherwise, we would all do it immediately) but is one that is essential for peaceful existence in life. To have the trust and confidence of others, we must first have that same knowingness from within. Once you are able to let go of past hurts, forgive those who you have perceived to cause that pain, and then decide to move forward, you begin the healing process. It is imperative that you are able to trust but trust begins from within.

When you are able to recognize, accept, and subsequently release past pains, you can move forward and experience life from a more peaceful vantage. With that acceptance and release, fear is no longer the basis for your responses. Most people respond in a mode of “self-preservation” in hopes that you will not have to experience the pain of being hurt. It is more of what you  expect to experience than what actually comes about. When you are aware that perception is reality and that you contribute to the results of what your world resembles, you can then affect a change for your life to be the way you wish it to be. This is the foundation of trust. You must acknowledge and recognize the truth that you are human and that first and foremost you want to love and to be loved. That is the very core of our beingness and cannot be changed. When you no longer live with the fear that a person in your life is trying to hurt you or that the other person actually wants to cause you pain, you can trust, experience a positive and loving experience, and let go of the past and those memories that cause you to respond out of fear instead of in love. It is a slow process but is certainly one that will work through the conflict and pain that is present in many relationships.

The best way to resolve conflict is to be vulnerable with the other person with whom you want to have a relationship. When you can be vulnerable, you can experience life and love on very different levels. The reason that intimacy and vulnerability are conflict resolution tools is because you learn to trust your partner with your own insecurities and you are more aware and sensitive to the needs of the other person. When you can see only your needs, wants and desires, you exclude the other person from experiencing that same opportunity for growth and expansion as an individual and then as a partner in the relationship.  Remember, conflict arises (most of the time) out of fear or insecurity. When you can move beyond those fears and trust another person with your truest self, then you can move into a more loving state of being and can experience life and love on more profound levels. You must want to affect a change before a change can occur. When you decide that sharing the depths of your soul with another is a safe place to be, you can experience the beauty and bliss of what life is meant to be. Through intimacy, vulnerability, trust, respect and solid communication, conflict dissipates and solid love bonds are formed.

Vulnerability is the way to create love bonds that last for a lifetime. Intimacy is the key to creating the vulnerability that brings people together. When you are ready, willing, and able to open yourself to another, only then will you reap the rewards of that growth and expansion that is so sweetly shared with those persons in your life. In consideration of the topic of intimacy, it is important to know that there are five basic types of intimacy that are created through vulnerability. When you can understand the process of being vulnerable through intimacy, you can begin to create the very life and the loving relationships that we all seek to find. Through the integration of physical intimacy, intellectual intimacy, emotional intimacy, social intimacy and spiritual intimacy into your relationship, you can begin to see the benefits and rewards of reduced conflict and a more loving environment.

Many times we do not understand the intricacies of what intimacy actually entails or sometimes even what it means. Only when you stop to recognize the significance of intimacy within your own life do you begin to grow in a forward direction with your “soon to be” or your spouse. When you are able to recognize growth on a personal level and to acknowledge the changes within, you begin to move toward acceptance of self first and then to your spouse and are able to begin to love them unconditionally. As we look at the different types of intimacy, it is important to maintain an open perspective and an open heart and push forward with simply an expectation of love!

Physical Intimacy is enhanced through vulnerability by taking a risk and sharing things that are difficult to express. It should be noted however that physical intimacy is much more than just the physical act of sex. While sex is very important to the relationship and to the continued growth within a relationship, physical intimacy also includes being able to express your wants, needs, and desires to your partner or spouse in a way that they can understand. It is very important for you to understand your own body before you can reasonably expect another person to give you the pleasure that you desire and the emotional comfort that you need to enjoy the experience of passion and the physical act of love. 

For many years the North American culture has been taught that sex is a taboo topic. As a result, many of the young people have an unhealthy attitude toward sex and physical relationships that carries over into adulthood. When you do not realize the emotional dogma that is attached to your belief systems regarding sex and being physically intimate, you experience more difficulties being intimate physically as well as emotionally with your spouse. It is imperative that you are always respectful of your spouse and to self. Remember to be mindful and thoughtful of the needs and desires between the two of you but do not request or expect your partner or spouse to breach their moral code at any time. When you experience a breach in your moral code, you experience stress and discomfort because you are acting in a manner that is outside your belief system which may cause an emotional break or block that hinders your ability to experience love on the deepest levels. Your relationship is sacred and is the “safe zone” where the two of you can be your truest expression of self without the worry of condemnation, rejection or any other negative response. When you reach the point of being able to understand your own belief systems, the functionality of your own body, the comfort level to express those needs and desires to your spouse, and then relax enough to enjoy the beauty and bliss that you can experience within a loving and committed relationship, you strengthen your love bonds and create a passionate and very profound love that you can share for a lifetime. To strengthen your connection with your spouse through physical intimacy, you can try things such as playing sex games with your spouse (for some different ideas you can listen to the Sex Games suggestions on my blog at www.beyondseductionbook.com from the LOL with Lisa Show), read books or websites on your anatomy and how it works and share that information with your spouse, look at websites on Tantric or Kama Sutra positions (the sex positions are not as bad as they sound and some are very pleasurable), or whatever moves the two of you. The essential element is to get comfortable with your body, understand what emotes you, and then give your spouse the information that he or she needs to be able to satisfy your needs and desires. The physical aspect of intimacy is never one sided or “non-participatory” but rather, it is always in love and always requires the attention and desires of the both people involved. To strengthen your love bonds and to have a truly blissful marriage, institute some of the following suggestions into your relationship as part of your daily activities. The most important thing is that you are happy and enjoying your spouse as fully as possible.

1.      Give 20 non-sexual touches per day (non-negotiable, do it every day for each other);

2.      Have spontaneous sex at least once a month;

3.      Ask your partner to tell you something new that they would like to try – you answer the same question and then do it!

4.      Light aromatherapy candles around the house (sensual and romantic scents) and invite your spouse to share a candlelight bubble bath with a glass of wine and quiet conversation in the tub;

5.      Call, text, or send flowers and tell your partner how much you love them and that you are thinking of him or her.

Intellectual Intimacy is the process of having conversations with your partner. Those conversations should sometimes have meaningful content but is not always necessary. Intellectual intimacy is important because it is the means by which you are able to relate to your spouse intellectually. When you have conversations, no matter how significant or insignificant they may seem, you are able to create memories and experiences together. The experiences that you share are the glue that holds you together through the difficult times when you are feeling removed or closed off to your spouse. When you think back on the times that you shared with your spouse during the courting phase, most of the time you remember the “long talks” or time when you shared details and information about the two of you and then found commonalities between you that caused you to bond. From the intellectual intimacy aspect of the relationship, it was healthy and growing forward. As you grow in your relationship, you tend to stop taking the time to hear what your spouse has to say and to really listen to their heart to know more about where they are coming from and what they are experiencing in their daily life. Having infrequent or superficial conversations with your spouse is not healthy and will eventually contribute to the breakdown of that aspect of your relationship. To move beyond the superficial stages of just existing as a couple, try the following suggestions to reduce your feelings of insecurity and turn them to deeper levels of intimacy.

1.      Have a meaningful conversation about something that emotes and moves your partner’s soul then ask your partner to share one of your topics of passion;

2.      Together, discuss your most inspirational moments and share those with the reasons why they were so moving;

3.      Share your life aspirations and make a plan to help each other attain those goals and dreams (no matter how unrealistic it may seem because what the mind believes, it can achieve);

4.      Have a meal together (with no television or other distractions) and take the time to hear what is going on in your partner’s life and then share the same with him or her;

5.      Have a conversation about something you do not necessarily agree on and then agree to disagree. This should increase awareness and understanding for the reasoning behind those belief systems that you both hold.

Emotional Intimacy takes place when you can share something that makes you feel insecure or vulnerable and your partner responds in love with respect and kindness. It is trust and confidence that will cause your relationship to grow to deeper levels of love. Individuals who can be emotionally vulnerable have much more meaningful relationships and are happier in their marriages than those who cannot be emotionally vulnerable with the one they love. Emotional intimacy is experienced even in platonic relationships but is a very profound aspect of the emotional connection and healthy growth of that relationship. While it is not that difficult to create emotional intimacy within a relationship, you must be open to trust another and to be trustworthy with his or her soul. Any breach of emotional intimacy between two people is actually one of the most damaging things that can be done in the relationship and at times can be irreversible. You must express the same love, concern, respect, and consideration for that special person in your life that you expect to receive. One of the greatest compliments one human can give to another is when you are open and trust another with the frailties of your soul. It is the responsibility of the person who has been so sweetly given that trust to ensure that you guard that precious gift as if it were your own.  It is important to remember that the goal is to love and to be loved. In that goal you must be love first and you must know that trust is one of the keys to the success of attaining that goal. Consider integrating some examples listed below to enhance your emotional intimacy bonds:

1.      Share with your partner an event or action that causes you to feel bad, scared, or insecure in any way and have them do the same with you;

2.      Share your most exciting and happiest thoughts and events that occur throughout your day and ask the same of your partner;

3.      Share your true emotions with your partner and be “real” with them about who you truly are and where you are coming from. Ask your partner to do the same with you;

4.      Be mindful to share your feelings and thoughts with your partner. She or he is interested in what makes you unique and you!

5.      Exchange your deepest secrets together and listen to the other with an open and loving heart and without judgment.  Never use that information against the person who is sharing in confidence with you.

Social Intimacy is greatly intertwined with the other aspects of intimacy. However, it is very easy to underestimate the power of social intimacy. In the courting phase of your relationship, you were cultivating social intimacy regularly. Unfortunately, most of us stop courting after we feel that we have accomplished the goal of the conquest. The reality is that you should never stop courting your partner. The truth is that through social intimacy, many times you also cultivate intellectual intimacy because you are discussing things, you cultivate emotional intimacy because you are creating memories together and are “experiencing” some aspect of life that is unique to the two of you and your experiences, and sometimes you cultivate physical intimacy through touches, caresses, or just sharing of thoughts and desires with the one you love. Social intimacy creates very strong love bonds if you are willing to open yourself to trust the other person in your life. Being vulnerable and experiencing life with the one you love can reduce stress and boost confidence. By sharing your life to the depths of your soul with another (who is worthy of your trust), you can realize a very peaceful way of life and a much more rewarding experience in this lifetime. You never know what life experiences can bring to you personally or as a couple. To strengthen your social intimacy bonds try the following suggestions to create those very profound love bonds.

1.      Have a date night one night per week;

2.      Go for a walk on the beach, watch a sunset, or experience some quiet time together;

3.      Participate in some activity outside of your normal routine to build “together” experiences and memories;

4.      Do something you would not normally do that your partner enjoys and ask the same of him or her;

5.      Remember that just because you are married or that you are involved in a long term relationship, courtship never ends! Treat every day as if you were in the beginning stages of your relationship and enjoy the newness that every day brings.

Spiritual Intimacy is something that most couples do not share. Our spirituality is significant to our personal growth and can be a very strong bond that two people can grow in and share over your lifetime. The skewed perspectives of religion and spirituality have created a divide among many individuals and will often work to disconnect you from being in touch with your inner being. The most precious gift that we have been given is love. Love is found within. When you can open your soul, see what is inside, and experience life from the vantage of love, everything changes! When you are open to experience your own spirituality and can share that experience with another, you create very strong love bonds and at the same time acknowledge that you are love and that love is your divine right. To open yourself to experience your own spiritual beingness and to share that with another takes trust on both parts and can be a fragile state between two people. The reality is that when you can trust another with the depths of your soul and experience the beingness that comes from within, you can move mountains! Love certainly can conquer all. You must be open to share the gift of love and to realize your own spiritual beingness to experience the depths of this type of intimacy with another. Spiritual intimacy is one of the more difficult types of intimacy to experience with another because of the vulnerability and trust that has to be extended. It is important to move from a vantage of fear and into a perspective of love to experience that joy and bliss that is meant for each of us to know in our daily lives. A few suggestions have been listed below that create intimacy between two people. Try these suggestions and realize the truth of the depth of love that comes from within.

1.      Discuss together how you feel about religion or spirituality;

2.      Together, define your core beliefs and desires from a spiritual perspective;

3.      Share your insights and inspirations for your personal, spiritual growth;

4.      Experience a different religious or spiritual perspective together and discuss what you liked or did not like;

5.      Devote one day per week to indulge your senses in nature together.

As we move beyond intimacy and vulnerability, we must also recognize that conflict may arise because of growth stages. When you are aware of growth patterns within yourself and also those of your spouse, it is much easier to accept the changes that are occurring and to grow from those shifts in life.

Because we are humans, we constantly grow and change. When there are two people involved in a relationship, there is growth as individuals and then growth as a couple. Most of us are unaware of those growth patterns and are not prepared for the change that comes from that growth. Most couples experience transition periods within their relationships between six and eight months, then again between the first and second years. There is another change of growth between the fourth and eighth year of marriage, again between the twelfth and the fifteenth year of marriage, and then between the eighteenth and twenty-fifth year of marriage (depending on the age of the children still living at home, this could be earlier or later). It is sadly unfortunate because there is no resource available to access that helps us to have a better understanding or awareness of those changes and growth patterns that are being experienced. There are no two people who will grow in the exact same way; however, there are changes that do occur because of our evolution over time and life experiences that pass and cause us to grow. When we experience growth and do not make a conscious effort to ensure that our spouse is a part of our growth or that we are a part of theirs, we find ourselves alone and without the companion that we were so crazy about so many years ago. A better understanding of the growth process and the reasons behind the growth is critical for the continued strengthening of the love bonds in a marriage. When we are loving and open to the growth patterns that we or our spouse are experiencing, we can grow through those changes together and enhance the spiritual connection with one another. It is our divine essence that influences the most precious gift of unconditional love that creates the love bonds that cannot be broken.

As such, part of the difficulties that we experience in relationships and their growth is that we do not typically recognize growth stages and do not have the understanding to recognize those changes as only a growth period. Most frequently women will assess and evaluate their lives in their late 30s and early 40s while men begin their assessments between their late 40s and early 50s. If the couple is not aware of the changes of growth and the assessments that are being made, there is potential for hurtful or damaging actions that sometimes occur in those stages of growth and change. When you are unaware of the growth stages and the changes that are part of that growth, many times you are not accepting and are judgmental of the situations and experiences that pass. The adage of “don’t throw the baby out with the water” holds true in this type of situation. Just because you do not understand the growth, it does not justify any judgment or lack of acceptance for your spouse. You are much more likely to give unconditional love to your children than to your spouse because you recognize the growth patterns that the children are experiencing and are much more willing to accept the behavioral patterns as normal and to forgive any nasty behavior that would otherwise be unacceptable. When your spouse is growing through change, many times you do not understand that shift and are much more apt to judge the growth as a negative indicator within your relationship, rightly or wrongly.

With an understanding of growth patterns, the realization that healthy conflict is a normal aspect of growth, and that through vulnerability you can overcome most obstacles, you can experience life, and love on very profound levels. When you are ready to open yourself to another and are mindful of the growth patterns and changes that every individual experiences, your life begins to change. Love comes from within. You were created in love and therefore you must be love. We are all worthy of love and we are all worthy of a joyous, peaceful, and blissful existence. It is your own decision to live your life in total bliss and joy or to live your life in chaotic turmoil. The most significant aspect of life is “what the mind can conceive and believe, it can achieve.” If you can believe something negative, why not believe in something positive? You are the creator of your life so decide today to affect a change that reveals the truth of who you are! It is never too late to affect a change!